rehat sebentar

think before you speak

• I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly, 'How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow j*b?' I turned around and walked back out and never went back.My husband didn't say a word... he knew better

• I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls.I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of thegood-looking gentlemen who works at the store. He asked if he could help me.Without thinking, I looked at him and said , 'I think I like playing with men's balls.'

• My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of candy and nuts. As we were looking at the display case,the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied,'No, I'm just looking at your nuts. 'My sister started to laugh hysterically. The boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away. To this day, my sister has never let me forget.

• While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons.I told her that if she did not start behaving 'right now' she would be punished. To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, 'If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!'The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing. I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard as the door closed behind me, were screams of laughter

• This one had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she speaks.What happens when you predict snow, but don't get any?We had a female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked:'So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night? 'Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too,they were laughing so hard!

• An elderly lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship holding her hat tight so that it would not blow away in the wind. A gentleman approached her and said, 'Pardon me, madam. I do not intend to be forward but did you know that your dress is blowing up in this high wind?''Yes, I know,' said the lady. 'I need both my hands to hold onto this hat.''But madam, you must know that you are not wearing any underwear and everything is exposed!' said the gentleman in earnest.The woman looked down, then back up at the man and replied, 'Sir,anything you see down there is 85 years old. I just bought this hat yesterday!'

sabor je le

• Suatu hari, seorang ibu menghantar anaknya yang baru berusia 5 tahun menaiki bas ekspres Kuala Lumpur - Kangar. Ibu itu berpesan pada pemandu bas "Encik.. tolong tengokkan anak saya ya... Nanti kalau sampai di Ipoh... cakap pada anak saya." Sepanjang perjalanan, si anak ini cerewet sekali. setiap seminit dia akan bertanya pada penumpang disebelahnya.. "Sudah sampai Ipoh belom?" Hari mulai malam dan anak itu masih terus bertanya-tanya. Penumpang disebelahnya menjawab.. "Tidor aje la.. Belom sampai lagi ni.. nanti kalau sampai saya akan kejutkan!" Tapi si anak tidak mahu diam.. dia pergi ke depan dan bertanya pada pemandu untuk kesekian kalinya, "Pakcik.. sudah sampai Ipoh ke belom?" Pemandu yang sudah keletihan menjawap soalan itu berkata.. "Belom! Tidur aja la! Nanti kalau dah sampai kat Ipoh.. pasti dikejutkan..!" Kali ini, si anak tidak bertanya lagi, dia tertidur nyenyak sekali. Kerana suara si anak tidak kedengaran lagi.. semua orang di dalam bas lupa pada si anak, sehingga ketika sampai di Ipoh.. tidak ada seorang pun yang membangunkannya. Hinggalah melepasi Alor Setar.. si anak masih tertidur dan tidak bangun-bangun. Tersedarlah si pemandu yang dia lupa membangunkan si anak. Lalu ia bertanya pada para penumpang.. "Encik-encik dan puan-puan sekalian.. bagaimana ni.. perlukan kita hantar semula anak ini?" Para penumpang pun merasa bersalah kerana turut melupakan si anak dan setuju menghantar si anak kembali ke Ipoh... Maka berpatah kembalilah rombongan bas itu menuju ke Ipoh.. Sesampai di Ipoh... si anak dibangunkan. "Nak! Sudah sampai di Ipoh! cepat bangun!" Kata Pemandu.. Si anak bangun dan berkata.. "Oh sudah sampai ya!" lalu si anak pun membuka beg pakaiannya dan mengeluarkan nasi bungkusnya.. Seluruh penumpang kehairanan... "Bukankah kamu hendak turun di Ipoh?" tanya pemandu kebingungan. "Tidak lah.. mama saya pesan.. kalau sudah sampai di Ipoh.. saya boleh makan nasi bungkus ni!"

Karangan Budak Darjah 4 dari JOHOR

• Pagi itu pagi minggu. Cuaca cukup sejuk sehingga mencapai takat suhu beku. Sebab itu saya tidak mandi pagi sebab air kolah jadi air batu dan air paip> tidak mahu keluar sebab beku di dalam batang paip. Pagi itu saya bersarapan dengan keluarga di dalam unggun api kerana tidak tahan sejuk. Selepas itu emak saya mengajak saya menemaninya ke pasar. Tetapi saya tidak mahu. Selepas emak menikam perut saya berkali-kali dengan garfu barulah saya bersetuju untuk mengikutnya. Kami berjalan sejauh 120 kilometer kerana pasar itu letaknya 128 kilometer dari rumah. Lagi 8 kilometer nak sampai pasar saya ternampak sebuah lori kontena meluru dengan laju dari arah belakang. Dia melanggar emak saya. Emak saya tercampak ke dalam gaung. Dia menjerit "Adoi!". Lepas itu emak saya naik semula dan mengejar lori tersebut. Saya pun turut berlari di belakang emak saya kerana takut emak saya melanggar lori itu pula. Pemandu lori itu nampak kami mengejarnya. Dia pun memecut lebih laju iaitu sama dengan kelajuan cahaya. Kami pula terpaksa mengejar dengan lebih laju iaitu sama dengan dua kali ganda kelajuan cahaya. Emak saya dapat menerajang tayar depan lori itu. Lori itu terbabas dan melanggar pembahagi jalan lalu bertembung dengan sebuah feri. Feri itu terbelah dua. Penumpang feri itu yang seramai 100 orang semuanya mati. Pemandu feri itu sangat marah. Dia pun bertukar menjadi Ultraman dan memfire pemandu lori. Pemandu lori menekan butang khas di dalam lori dia..lori itu bertukar menjadi robot Transformer. Mereka bergaduh di udara. Emak saya tidak puas hati. Dia pun terus menyewa sebuah helikopter di Genting Highlands dan terus ke tempat kemalangan. Dia melanggar pemandu feri yang telah bertukar menjadi Ultraman itu. Pemandu feri itu terkejut dan terus bertukar menjadi pemandu feri semula lalu terhempas ke jalanraya. Pemandu feri itu pecah. Pemandu lori sangat takut melihat kejadian itu. Dia meminta maaf dari emak saya. Dia menghulurkan tangan ingin bersalam. Tetapi emak saya masih marah. Dia menyendengkan helikopternya dan mengerat tangan pemandu lori itu dengan kipas helikopter. Pemandu lori itu menjerit "Adoi..!" dan jatuh ke bumi. Emak saya menghantar helikopter itu ke Genting Highlands. Bila dia balik ke tempat kejadian, dia terus memukul pemandu lori itu dengan beg tangannya sambil memarahi pemandu lori itu di dalam bahasa Inggeris. Pemandu lori itu tidak dapat menjawab sebab emak saya cakap orang putih. Lalu pemandu lori itu mati. Tidak lama kemudian kereta polis pun sampai. Dia membuat lapuran ke ibu pejabatnya tentang kemalangan ngeri itu. Semua anggota polis di pejabat polis itu terperanjat lalu mati. Orang ramai mengerumuni tempat kejadian kerana ingin mengetahui apa yang telah terjadi. Polis yang bertugas cuba menyuraikan orang ramai lalu dia menjerit menggunakan pembesar suara. Orang ramai terperanjat dan semuanya mati. Selepas itu emak saya mengajak saya ke pasar untuk mengelak lebih ramai lagi yang akan mati. Di pasar, emak saya menceritakan kejadian itu kepada penjual daging. Penjual daging dan peniaga-peniaga berhampiran yang mendengar cerita itu semuanya terkejut dan mati. Saya dan emak saya terus berlari balik ke rumah. Kerana terlalu penat sebaik saja sampai di rumah kami pun mati. Itulah kemalangan yang paling ngeri yang pernah saya lihat sebelum saya mati.

Muthu's Logic

MUTHU & THE INTERVIEWER

• Interviewer: 'What is your birth date?'
  Muthu : '13th October.'
  Interviewer : 'Which year?'
  Muthu : 'Every year.'
  

*MUTHU & HIS MANAGER

• The Manager asked Muthu at an interview... .
  'Can you spell a word that has more than 100 letters in it?'
  Muthu replied: 'P-O-S-T-B-O- X.'
  

*MUTHU & LONDON TRIP

• After returning from a foreign trip, Muthu asked his wife, 'Do I look like a foreigner?'
  Wife: 'No! Why?'
  Muthu : 'In London , a lady asked me, 'Are you a foreigner?'. .. that's why..'
  Wife : ?????????
  

MUTHU & TOURIST

• A tourist from U.S.A. asked Muthu whether any great man was born in his village...
  Muthu said , 'No sir, only babies were born here.'

MUTHU & HIS EXPERIMENT

• Muthu was doing an experiment with a cockroach. First he cut off one leg and told it to 'WALK! WALK!'
  The cockroach walked. Then he cut off it's second leg and told the same.. The cockroach walked.
  Then he cut off the third leg and did the same.
  Finally, he cut off its fourth leg and ordered it walk!
  But the cockroach didn't walk.
  Suddenly, Muthu said loudly, 'I found it. If we cut a cockroach's four legs, it becomes deaf.'
  

MUTHU & DRIVER

• When Muthu was travelling with his wife in a motorised tricycle, the driver adjusted the mirror.
  Muthu shouted, 'You are trying to see my wife, eh? Sit in the back. I will drive.'
  

MUTHU GOES TO HOTEL

• 
  Muthu went into a hotel. To wash his hands, he went to the washbasin.
  Then when he had finished, he started washing the basin.
  Seeing this, the manager asked what was he doing.
  Muthu pointed towards the signboard
  '* WASH BASIN * '
  

MUTHU & INTERVIEWER - FINAL PART

• Interviewer : 'Just imagine you're in the 20th floor of a building and it's on fire. How will you escape?'
  Muthu: 'It's simple.. I will just stop my imagination. '

("ACTUAL LETTER TAKEN FROM THE TIMES OF INDIA .RESPONSE TO A 'MARRIAGE PROPOSALS' ADVERTISEMENT")

MARRIAGE PROPOSAL IN PUNJABI ENGLISH

• Madam :I am an olden young uncle living only with myself in Lahore . Having seen your advertisement for marriage purposes, I decided to press myself on you and hope you will take me nicely. I am a soiled son from inside Punjab . I am nice and big, six foot tall, and six inches long. My body is filled with hardness, as because I am working hardly. I am playing hardly also. Especially I like cricket, and I am a good batter and I am a fast baller. Whenever I come running in for balling, other batters start running. Everybody is scared of my rapid balls that bounce a lot. I am very nice man. I am always laughing loudly at everyone. I am jolly. I am gay. ladies, they are saying I am nice and soft. Am always giving respect to the ladies. I am always allowing ladies to get on top. That i show nice I am. I am not having any bad habits. I am not drinking and I am not sucking tobacco or anything else. Every morning I am going to the Jim and I am pumping like anything. Daily I am pumping and pumping. If you want you can come and see how much I am pumping the dumb belles in the Jim. I am having a lot of money in my pants and my pants is always open for you. I am such a nice man, but still I am living with myself only. What to do? So I am taking things into my own hands everyday. That is why I am pressing myself on you, so that you will come in my house and my things into your hand. If you are marrying me madam, I am telling you, I will be loving you very hard every day.. fact, I will stop pumping dumb belles in the Jim. If you are not marrying me madam and not coming to me, I will press you and press you until you come. So I am placing my head between your nicely smelling feet looking up with lots of hope.

I am waiting very badly for your reply and I am stiff with anticipation.

Expecting soon

Yours and only yours

Choudhary Warraich,
born by mother in Okara and become big in Lahore , Punjab

ACTUAL AUSTRALIAN COURT DOCKET 12659
CASE OF THE PREGNANT LADY

• A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus.
  She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat.
  This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more amused.
  When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.
  
  The case came up in court.
  
  The judge asked the man (about 20 years old)
  what he had to say for himself.
  
  The man replied, 'Well your Honor, it was like this: when the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat down under a sign that said, 'The Double Mint Twins are coming' and I grinned.
  Then she moved and sat under a sign that said,
  'Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling,' and I had to smile.
  Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said,'William's Big Stick Did the Trick,' and I could hardly contain myself.
  But, Your Honor, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said,
  'Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident!'
  ... I just lost it.'
  
  'CASE DISMISSED!!'